on the knife edge

I've got just about 36 hours of my deadline left, and my brain decides now to let go of its epileptic seizure and start having some rational flowing thought. Fuck.  have just written a 300 word rant on the gendered imaging of the Soprano women in relation to ideas of masculinity and capitalism, underpinned by the theory of the culture industry..... its good shit, but its not answering my own question..... dammit.

On another irritating note, I missed Summer scholarship and Im fucked off. I pulled my GPA up from 5.0 to nearly 7.0 (a B to an A-). Im proud of that, but because I failed a policy paper in semester one of  2009 my GPA for 4 semesters is only 5.3. the cut off was 6.0 for application, so they didn't even look at me. The other thing.... the convener I applied under.... we had a long conversation about the logistics of my application, she told me what to say and what to emphasize.... one would possibly think that she had some interest in endorsing me. I know for a fact that the researchers get to state a preference, and so its obvious this didn't happen in spite of her saying I would make a good candidate so Im shitty she gave me a bum steer. 2 other lecturers I know have twice over been allocated the assistants they wanted and I know that decision was made well in advance of the paperwork. So the application itself becomes an arbitrary process to the inevitable.

the most bitter pill right now though is the knowledge that 2 of my classmates and friends were successful candidates, and while Im out of the running they will be getting valuable hands on scholarly experience to do with the writing and research process that you just don't receive in class. by the time March rolls round they will be 3 months into a better more prepared semester for post grad, which will give them advantages I can't catch up to. For the record I did not apply for the scholarships that they did. Even more annoying, the scholarship I applied for was almost handpicked for a degree structure as unique as my own. I don't know anyone whos done a combination of pols, sociol and maori like I have.

Anyway, it does mean I will also not be getting the money and am now thinking what to do next. I would like to take some time to catch up on a multitude of house things which have fallen by the wayside, and actually have a few days break from the rigour of academia. I don't fancy working in retail over the hols, it feels like a hole Im digging prematurely, and theres always the what the hell do I do with the boys question.

On another note, Kobi has grown a centimetre in 3 weeks. shit.