understanding dissonance.

We had a generally awful weekend.

We took Mimi to mums house and buried her in the long bed under the cherry blossom, the kids and I gave a final pat and stuck her in the ground.

This part of the weekend was shit, noone wants to lose a pet under any kind of circumstance, I thank our blessings she didn't have a seizure under the house or in the garden where we couldn't see or hear her, Im thankful she died in my arms and not alone.

However.

This is not really my problem.

COGNITIVE DISSONANCE

Description

This is the feeling of uncomfortable tension which comes from holding two conflicting thoughts in the mind at the same time.

Dissonance increases with:

The importance of the subject to us.
How strongly the dissonant thoughts conflict.
Our inability to rationalize and explain away the conflict.

Dissonance is often strong when we believe something about ourselves and then do something against that belief. If I believe I am good but do something bad, then the discomfort I feel as a result is cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance is a very powerful motivator which will often lead us to change one or other of the conflicting belief or action. The discomfort often feels like a tension between the two opposing thoughts. To release the tension we can take one of three actions:

Change our behavior.
Justify our behavior by changing the conflicting cognition.
Justify our behavior by adding new cognitions.
Dissonance is most powerful when it is about our self-image. Feelings of foolishness, immorality and so on (including internal projections during decision-making) are dissonance in action.

If an action has been completed and cannot be undone, then the after-the-fact dissonance compels us to change our beliefs. If beliefs are moved, then the dissonance appears during decision-making, forcing us to take actions we would not have taken before.

Cognitive dissonance appears in virtually all evaluations and decisions and is the central mechanism by which we experience new differences in the world. When we see other people behave differently to our images of them, when we hold any conflicting thoughts, we experience dissonance.
Dissonance increases with the importance and impact of the decision, along with the difficulty of reversing it. Discomfort about making the wrong choice of car is bigger than when choosing a lamp.

.............

Before the cat died, I had been out all day assisting a friend to move. She has been in a sea of turmoil the entire time I have known her since she re-entered my life. I have always defended and vouched for her, I have supported her unconditionally, and I have always beleived this was the right thing to do.
On friday night she rang me to say her friend had gone nuts and was kicking her out of the house, would I talk some sense into her friend. I got the homeowner on the phone and was confused by a barrage of information that was incongruent with what I know to be true about Amy, I opted for a neutral stance, and under pressure and for humanitarian reasons took Amy and 2 of her children in after urging her to leave the place she was living in. This was not what the kind of involvement I have ever actively sought, I was uncomfortable with the whole arrangment and made it clear it could only be for the night.

The following day, to make sure I could rehouse her with someone else I went along to her friends place to help pick up her belongings, what I met was a very hostile situation with Amys friend who I have met previously and has always been gentle and mild mannered. She was furious and demanding, I couldn't make sense of it. Her sister was also there telling me how much Amys friend had put up with, how Amy needed 'help' and how she wasn't normal. An awful creeping sensation of dissonance came over me, had I gotten it wrong? Some things were said, again more incongruent information, and as we packed up Amys car I got very emotional and pretty much burst into tears for no apparent reason. I cried the entire time we were there.

I took Amy's friend aside and we had a long conversation about Amy. The more we talked the more the foreboding feeling grew, that the last 2 years I have been supporting her that I have not been doing it with a clear vision. Its monday now, and I still can't shake it. I don't know what to do.  How do you tell a person that their overpowering sense of paranoia is damaging their life? How do you show someone that the best thing for their children right now, not forever, is for them to go away and recalibrate who they are, reset their foundations, and when they are fixed start to parent properly again? She is not a bad person, on that Amys friend agrees with me. But her perception of events is so out of proportion with the reality I feel at odds with what I have thought and what Im now seeing. I feel physically ill and I want it to stop.