The week gone.

April has been full on.

2 essays, one of which Im still doing, and hate, one of which was easy and I've finished. My kid had a birthday, my friend is having a baby any minute, a bunch of other family related birthdays, sister, father in law, brother in law. 2 friends are househunting in a property starved rental market, unable to look for anything terribly suitable due to the cost of renting in Auckland, and the poor selection of propertys being advertised, mostly falsely, using photos taken up to 5 years ago, and not showing wear and tear or recent damage or mentioning they are also on the market for sale.

My friend Arthur called me from England to talk to me about a band hes been asked to manage, 2 girls from Norwich who do a punk/pop englerlund sound. He asked me what I thought of them, not knowing anyone outside the music scene/England who could give an objective opinion. I was flattered, not knowing that much about anything, and hes a music promoter in Birmingham. They are called FeverFever, and I was slightly underwhelmed, but I felt there was a 'something' that was worth pursuing. Perhaps a niche following on Student radio, loads of live gig performances and practise makes perfect.

Dad rang this afternoon, made me wanna get on a plane. Once every 2 or 3 years to visit is not enough, I am missing the girls, and Jess, and Dad is getting older and Im not there.

Yesterday was the 4th anniversary of Kenji's death, it passed without incident, the boys stayed the night before with their aunty Landa and Nanny, everyone was in good spirits, Kobi has this new phone which opens him up to the beginning of an independant relationship with his family which no longer requires my mediation. I did spend alot of private time thinking about the last 4 years, and thinking about all the good things that he has missed. But regardless I cannot get away from the conclusion life is only what it is because he is gone and it was never going to be like this if he was still here. The pay off for his death continues to have a bitter aftertaste for me.  Our children will never experience the wholeness of self they deserve and that I eventually realised for myself when Dad reentered my life.

My cousin got married last weekend and I sat at a table with our other cousin whos mother died of cancer 10 years ago. We discussed this and her inability to resolve certain questions as her mother is not around to have the conversation, Seb similarly feels there is a hole where Gina should be, not able to turn to her for motherly comfort, or ask a rudimentary question like how she made that curry he loved so much. This part of Kenji's absence is the only thing left that deeply saddens me, the part where the boys can't ask him the questions they need to to make sense of themselves. Who knows what happens next.